Monday, November 29, 2004
afterall, im still alone.
Much has happened; my sickness, the people around me, and more. Through the sickness, I experienced the kind of pain we seldom get, the kind of pain that makes you want to give up your life and the kind of pain that will let you experience a tiny little bit of death. Days spent at home seems grey, especially when it didn't get any better. But I still thank God for allowing me to go through this pain; that I may see the vulnerable side of myself and to appreciate life even more. (: Besides physical pain, just yesterday, I experienced heart pain. Of someone whom I love a lot, carrying sickness back to work.
Experienced love, care and concern through people around me during this time. Also, showing love, care and concern to people whom I treasure. But there are some out there, who totally neglects the
health of human; to those who always appears strong. They never know those were facade moments. I believe it
is was pride that build up the wall. And as it grow thicker, it actually puts one in danger. I have also been exposed to another side of humanity. For each and every that I got exposed to, they put me into thinking and nevertheless, they bring valuable teachings.
After started working, especially in sales line, I've learnt how to put on smile, even when times your world came crashing down, even when you feel lonely and even when you feel awkward. I've seen how people pursue their goals and always keeping their focus right; to allow things to motivate them and to always anticipate.
I've learn to live for others and not for myself. But for now, I think it is time for me to learn living for myself, at times, even for the close ones, whom I have always cherished but have somehow, taken me for granted, or have subtlely ignoring my feelings. Because befefore they learn to appreciate you, jealousy might have already creep into them. I'm utterly sick and tired of it. And to this, I'll break off all lines, I'll wave my flag which is white to show that I've given up. I will fight no more; for it is of no meaning and the victory that comes after, means a sacrifice of something else. In this, I despise victory. If you get cold blatant stares, I'm sorry, I wish to guess and please anyone no more. Because I'm hurt.
To those that I know they still belongs to me, I will work even harder to maintain the precious friendship and to escalate to a higher level.
This road of life has been tough and it will continue to be. And so, I will keep breathing. I will.
maoed.]
at 11:37 PM
